Stay or go? Part 1.
Hugo.. Hans liv har haft sina stunder. Allt började när han var fyra och hans mamma hittade sin man i säng med en annan kvinna. Efter det var hon inte sitt glada pigga hon utan någon som bara låg i sin säng och grät. När Hugo hade fyllt fem hittade han sin mamma för första gången liggandes på sitt sovrumsgolv liggandes i hennes spyor och någon sorts vätska. Det var inte sista gången han var tvungen att se henne så. Vid åldern av sju blev han misshandlad av sin mor. Hon tog även droger nu. När han hade slutat tvåan hittade han sin mor död på golver i köket.
Efter det flyttade han hem till sin pappa som har ehn liten lägenhet i England tillsammans med sin nya fru och hennes son. Efter flytten förändrades Hugo. Vid åldern av nio hade han lärt sig att ljuga och fake le. Allt var ju faderns påhitt, vilken nioåring fake ler och ljuger om sitt liv. Well well. Han kon inte så bra överens med hans "nya" mamma och var fiende med pappan.
Hugo går sitt första år på East High i London. Minns ni känslan man hade i magen första gången man skulle träffa sin klass för första gången? Det är så han känner sig just nu.
Hugo gick genom korridoren fylld av elever och lärare. Sanningen var att han had ingen aning om vart han skulle vara så han fortsatte att gå tills han såg en skylt där det stod "Reception" på. Han log för sig själv och klev in.
"Yes"? En tant på 50 år kanske, satt på en stol och tittade på en datorskärm.
"Hello, I'm Hugo Tomson. I'm new here so I don't know where I should be".
"Lets see". Hon skrev in något på datorn och tittade sedan på skärmen. "So you should be in classroom 1AMD".
"Oh okey, thanks". Hugo log och gick ut ur rummet.
Han tog till vänster i korridoren och ända fram till längan med bokstäverna "AMD" över öppningen.
Han satte sig ner på golvet mittemot väggen med dörren och lutade sig bakåt. Han plockade fram sin MP3 och snappade förbi alla låtar tills han kom fram till Travelling av Paper Lions. När elevmassan började strömma in i rummet ställde han sig upp och följde med.
Insidan av rummet var ganska tråkig. vrå väggar, bruna bänkar och stolar, sånt som brukar finnas i ett klassrum. Han satte sig på en ledig stol längst bak. Stolen bredvid honom var upptagen av någon som kommer troligen bli klassens populäraste kille. Snygg, lång, blond kille med bruna ögon. Hugo var bara tvungen att snegla lit på denna underbara person. (Juste glömde nog säga det men Hugo är homosexuell). Men i alla fall så stod det en kvinna längst fram i rummet.
"Hello class"! Hon hade en mjuk röst, troligen eftersom att hon höll i deras Musik lektioner. "So welcone here to East High. I hope that you'll like it. Welcome to this class with Art, Music and Dance. I'm going to have you in Music and for now in Dance untill Miss Jackson comes back. My name is Mrs Clatch, Marie Clatch, nice to meet you all." Hon log stort emot klassen.
My withered Flower - Ziall
gaaah problems? :'D
Jaaa
Jag sitter fast folk hjälp mig.
Jag skriver en Ziall fanfic och så men jag vet inte vad som ska hända så läs och kom med förslag :'D
(Förlåt för alla stavfel och sånt. Har inte orkat bry mig än xD )
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Day 1:
You’re gone and you’ll never come back. I’ll never see that perfect smile or hear your smooth voice. I couldn’t handle it, it was too much…
It's been 24 hours since you left us… since you left me.
I ran one hand through my blond hair. I sighed and stood up from the same chair that I’ve been sitting on for the last 24 hours. I didn’t want to leave the room where you where the last time I saw you.
Even if it was horrible to see what you became this last months of your life.
“You okej Ni?” Liam stood in the door looking at me.
“No, I’m not. I’ll never be okey again.” I walked past Liam and down the hospital hall. I just wanted to be home again. I didn’t want to be here.
Back in my apartment I locked myself inside and let out my tears. I didn’t want to cry in public but now I was alone and no one could see how I broke down.
“Why did you take him from me?” I was shouting, I didn’t really know to whom but I guess it was to God.
I fell into my sofa with all my clothes on and shoes. I was too tired of all crying that I didn’t care.
My tears didn’t stop as I expected so I cried myself to sleep.
Day 2:
I woke up in the sofa. I had been sleeping for 14 hours and I was still tired.
As I sat up I felt a headache comeing. “Oh god, I’ve not been drinking for days now” I thought to myself. I walked into the kitchen and saw a plate with some food on the bench. I wasn’t hungry so I walked by it without even looking at it. It was probably Liam who had made it for me so I felt a bit guilty but I didn’t care.
That day I didn’t do so much more than watch old clips from x-factor and every time you sang I fell back in tears.
Again I fell in the sofa with the tv playing “Tell me a lie” on repeat.
Day 3:
“Oh God Niall you have to get up”. Liam sat on the table in front of the sofa looking at me.
“I don’t want to”. I laid still hoping that he would go away.
“Ni you haven’t been eating anything for days and you smell like shit. What would Zayn say if he was here”? When Liam mentioned Zayn I was brought back to life.
Tears started to appear in my eyes as I sat up.
“I’m so sorry Niall”. Liam grabbed me and gave me a tight hug. I didn’t want to be there, I wanted to be with Zayn and no one else.
“I’m so sorry Ni, but you really have to get ready for Zayns funeral”. I whipped away my tears and stood up.
“Okey”. I walked into the bathroom just get a a huge chock when I looked at myself in the mirror.
“Oh God it that what I look like right now”. My eyes was so red and puffy it hurt. My hair stood in all different angles and so.
I took of my clothes and took a quick shower. It felt good to be clean again. I dressed with one of Zayns black shirts and my black jeans.
As I walked into Liams flat I didn’t care that the other guys looked at the shirt.
“Isn’t that Zayns”? Louis looked at me and I just gave him a slightly nod and sat down in the chain next to the window.
On the funeral I cried, I cried my heart out and I just hated to see Zayns pale face. He looked so clam even without his hair and emotionless face.
After half the funeral I had to leave, I couldn’t stand to say god bye to someone that I love so much. So I just left, without telling someone.
I walked around in the city, I didn’t care about some fans that was screaming my name.
One girl that I passed just gave me a hug and whispered that she was sorry. For some reason I felt kind of happy that she wasn’t like everyone else.
As I walked down the road the wind played with my blond messed up hair and soon I saw Seans home I started to ran. I knew that he wasn’t home but I had a spare key to his house and I didn’t want to see the other lads to see me.
Day 4:
I woke up with 26 missed calls and 94 texts. 90% of them was from Liam, 5% from Louis, 3% from Harry and 2% from Paul.
I didn’t want to see any of them today so I turned off my phone and went to see it I could find some other clothes. I was still wearing Zayn’s shirt after I changed.
Again I spend my day in front of the tv listening to old songs and watching old interviews.
Day 5:
I woke up when I heard knocks on the door. It was probably Liam, I didn’t want to see him but I got up and walked to the door. When I opened the door it wasn’t Liam, it was Louis. He looked destroyed with messed up clothes and his hair all over the place.
“Oh Ni”. He fell into my arms. We walked inside and I closed the door.
“Where the fuck have you been? We’ve been so worried about you”. Louis pulled away and looked at me.
“I’ve been here all the time”.
“Why haven’t you called back”? I let go of Louis and walked away.
“I didn’t want you to see me like this”. I stood by the window and looked on the leaves that flew through the air.
“Like that? Oh come on Niall what would Zayn say if he saw you-”.
“He’s not here, his dead and will never dome back”. I walked past Louis and out to the street. As Louis followed me I started to run. I ran away from him and from the truth.
“Niall”! Louis ran after me but since I was faster than him I was gone in seconds.
Day 6:
I’d been walking around all night. Sure I had an empty bottle of Whisky in my hand but still.
What would zayn say if he saw me now? I had to make up for him.
I walked to our apartments, I just hoped that nobody was home. To my surprise no one was, so I walked to my flat and opened the door. It was weird to be back but it was just for now.
I took a quick shower. I walked into Zayns room, I grabbed one of his hoodies and a pair of his brown chinos. I took my wallet and my shoes.
As I walked outside I knocked into Harry.
“Oh god Ni, where the fuck have you been”?
“Nowhere”. I walked past him and down the hall. I was quite happy that he didn’t follow me.
I walked down to the flower shop and bought a pair of roses.
It was a long walk to the graveyard but I didn’t want to take the buss.
By the time I came to Zayns grave it was dark. I hadn’t seen his grave before this but it was beautiful. Just like him. I sat down and laid the roses on the grave. I want to talk to you so badly, feel your touch next to my skin.
“Zayn if you can hear me I want you to know some stuff. I miss you, more then you can expect. I know that I should be with the boys and help them but I can’t. Every time I see them without you in the middle I’ll fall to tears. I know that I’m weak and that I should be stronger but I can’t… I need you”. I started to sing “Your Guardian Angel”, in the middle of the song I could hear your sweet, sweet voice.
I fell asleep next to your gravestone, next to you.
Day 7:
I woke up when I felt a hand on my shoulder but I was too cold and to tired to open my eyes so they stayed closed.
“Pick him up and take him to the car”. I guessed it was Paul who lifted me up. I remembered the smell of him, the feeling of security fell over me.
Day 8:
I woke up again in my room. It was 5.27 am, so I wasn’t really for going up but I had been sleeping the whole day.
I got up and looked at myself in the mirror. I was really pale and skinny, I haven’t had a real meal for a week now. Gosh I looked disgusting.
In the kitchen someone had made me some food. I could guess it was Paul sense it was pancakes.
Later on that day the guys knocked at my door but I didn’t open it sense I was laying on the floor passed out. If they open the door they would see that I didn’t even poked the food.
Day 9:
This time I woke up in a hospital room. Or I thought so at least. The only thing that was in the room was a bed, a table, a chair and my green bag. There was also a mirror so I stood up and looked at the pale, skinny, disgusting boy in the mirror.
“Is that really me”?
“Yea”. I turned around ans saw Liam in the doorway.
“Where am I”?
“McGricks hospital for psychic kids”. Liam look was at the ground with a sad face.
“Why am I here? I’m fine”.
“Fine?! You haven’t eaten sense Zayn died, you’re drinking at night and God knows where you disappeared to”. Liam watched me as a tear escaped his eye.
“I’m sorry that I don’t want to do anything. I’ve lost Zayn, one of the few that really loved me. I love him”! I felt the anger grow inside of me. How could they put me here? Sure I had it tough, but didn’t all of us have it?
I went straight up to Liam and started to hit him.
“I don’t want to be here, I’m fine, I shouldn’t be here”. Liam didn’t move, he just stood there waiting for me to give up. Sense I’ve not been eating for days it didn’t take long before I was all tired. Then he reached for me and gave me a hug. He didn’t say a thing he just stood there and holding me tight.
“Just give it a try, okey”? I didn’t say yes but he took my silence as a yes.
The rest of the day I met a lot of people who asked me a lot of stuff. I didn’t answer to them all I did was looking out the windows.
That evening I was crying more than ever. I felt more alone than ever. I cried myself to sleep again.
Day 10:
“Where the fuck am I, let me out”! I stood by the door and knocked with all my strength.
Suddenly the door open and I could walk out. First I just looked down the hall and then the other side. It was standing someone there down the hall. It was:
“Zayn”! I ran, I ran so fast I could but he never came closer. Then he stood right in front of me.
He didn’t have any eyes and he looked like he was murdered.
“Niall”! He screamed, it was empty and it felt like knifes.
I backed off but I couldn’t run away.
“Please don’t kill me”. I screamed.
I flew out of my bed.
“Oh god it was just a dream”. I sighed out as I felt the sweat running down my forehead. I felt the tears run down my face.
Day 11:
Today I’ve not been able to sleep for a second after the dream I had yesterday.
I’ve got some friends how ever. Alexis who’s here for her anorexia and Kenneth who’s here for self-harm. Both of them have been here for more than half a year.
Now was it lunch but I really didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to be here but I had given my word to Liam that I would get better so I ate some bread.
That night I couldn’t sleep. The thought of Zayn saying my name like that was killing me. Did Zayn want to kill me?
“No, he wouldn’t… Or would he”? I sat up up all night and sang. I sang for me but most of all to Zayn.
Day 17:
Days have passed and each day has looked the same.
Wake up, eat something, talking to Alexis and Kenneth, go to the therapist, eat lunch, go to another therapist about my dreams, eat dinner, be with Alexis while Kenneth’s at his therapist, the other way around, go to my room, sleep for one or two hours and so on.
I wish that it could change or something. I wish that I could go back to the graveyard to see Zayn. I miss him so much, it’s like a hole inside of me and no one will be able to help me.
“But truth is that this is kind of helping, I look more like a human and I don’t cry that much anymore. Does that mean that I’m forgetting about Zayn”? I started to panicking and sat up from the therapist bed. “Oh god, I’m forgetting Zayn”.
“Take it easy Niall”. The therapist stood up and walked to me.
“I’m forgetting Zayn, how can I take it easy”.
“I said take it easy”! A sudden pain hit me right on my left cheek. I raised my hand to my cheek and a tear fell down from my eye. “I told you to take it easy”. He left me in the room and my tears fell down.
Day 19:
I’ve been here for ten days now. Today I’ll be released for a week and then come back to see how I feel.
I said goodbye to Alexis and Kenneth before I sat down in the yellow cab with my bag. It felt good to leave this place. My nightmares had stop a while ago but my therapist was still hitting me whenever I didn’t want to calm down.
I couldn’t wait to see the other lads but first thing first.
“Pull over here”. I said to the driver who pulled over and stopped the cab. “Please wait here it’ll just take a second”. He nodded as I closed the door and walked over the graveyard.
I walked over to Zayns grave and sat down.
“Oh god, haven’t the guys fix this”? The grave was nearly overgrown with stuff. I fixed it in seconds. While I tried to light the candle I heard someone behind me.
“Niall”? I turned around and looker right into Harrys green eyes.
“Hello Harry”. I stood up and gave the taller boy a hug.
“I’ve missed you, how are you”? He hugged me back and smiled.
“I’m fine, much better than before, I’ve missed you to. And the other guys”. We stood there for a while. I’d missed his smell, the warm feeling you got from him.
Tears filled my eyes and I let go.
“I hate this, I hate that his gone. I can’t handle it even if I’ve been to a therapist”. Harry just hushed me and hugged me again, this time tighter than ever. “We all miss him”. He whispered in my ear with a low voice.
We walked back to my cab, we hugged a last time before Harry walked away to his car and I sat down in my cab.
Back at our apartment I sat down my bag and walked into my flat. It felt weird to be back here again. I wiped away a tear that fell down from my eye. I sighted and lifted up my bag from the floor and closed the door. As fast as I lock my door I slided down with my back to the door and fell in tears. I was able to cry without anyone see it or hit me. I didn’t want them to see how I looked now, I wanted to see them don’t get me wrong but it was hard to stand up or even breath. So I still and cried myself to sleep again. It felt good to be able to cry again.
Day 20:
I woke up and sat straight up.
“Oh god what time is it”? I ran into the living room and saw that the clock showed 04.17 am. “Not more? You’re kidding me”. I sighted and walked into my bedroom. I couldn’t find myself to sleep again so I took a quick shower. After the shower I found myself sitting in Zayns room watching old pictures with nothing else on me than my towel easily tied around my waist.
I picked up one of Zayns t-shirts from the wardrobe and pair of his chinos.
05.00 am.
As I walked into the kitchen for something to eat I found nothing. Of coures, I hadn’t been home for days and either had Zayn. The thought of Zayn made me cry, not much but still enough for me to start shiver. I fell asleep in Zayns bed holding his pillow to my nose just so I could breath in his smell. I could swear that I heard his voice before I fell asleep.
“Niall”? Louis sat on the edge of the bed and shook me.
“What”? Truth was that I didn’t want to go up, I wanted to sleep, because in my dreams were the only place for me to be free and to see Zayn.
“You know you’re sleeping in Zayns bed”? I flew up and pushed me against the wall so much I could.
“Heeey. You okey Ni”? Louis reached out for me but I froze of the connection.
“Oh god Louis, I fell asleep in Zayns bed. He’ll kill me”. My eyes were in shock but after Louis had gave me a hug it felt okey.
“It’s okey and Zayn wont kill you for you sleeping in his bed. Truth is, how much time did he spend there and not in yours”? My face turned into a deep red colour.
That day I spend with Louis just catching up and goofing around. I was really happy to see his smile again. It made me feel so happy but it could never fill the hole in my heart.
I fell asleep in Zayns bed that night. Just before I fell asleep I could feel a worm touch and a small whisper, it only said my name. And I knew that Zayn would take care of me.
Day 21:
The next day I visited Harrys flat.
“Are you home Hazza”? I open the door and walked inside. I found Harry asleep in his sofa with the tv on. It was the interview when we got together as a band, as One Direction. I turned the tv off and walked over to Harry.
I lifted him and walked into his bedroom. I took of his jacket and his shoes before I laid him down.
As I started to walk to the door I heard a sleepy voice behind me.
“Niall please don’t leave me, I don’t want to be alone”. Harry stood in the doorway to his room. He looked so destroyed with his messed up hair and red nose and those puffy brown eyes. In just three steps I stood in front of him, holding him into a tight hug. I could feel how he started to shiver and my shoulder began to feel a bit wet from all the tears.
“I miss him so much. I can’t stand it anymore”.
“Me ether”. I couldn’t find myself to cry in front of the younger boy. Even if it killed me I was older and I had to be strong. Rest of the day we tried to be strong, we watched old x-factor clips and the old video diary's. It was so fun to see Harry again. It had been so long but it killed me to know how sad he was.
Day 22:
Today I was suppose to see Liam but I just had to see Zayn before. I hadn’t cried for two days now and it felt really good. I took a quick shower, I stood in front of the mirror for a long time. My hair was had grown out and was brown instead of blond. So I took a pair om light brown chinos and i white t-shirt, I also grabber one of Zayns jackets. It still had Zayns smell over it, I could feel my eyes tear up, the sweet smell of Zayn brought me back to tears.
I heard someone knocking at the door so I wiped away the tears and hoped that the person didn’t see the redness in my eyes.
“Yea”? I open the door and Liam flew into my arms.
“I’m so sorry”. His voice was thick of all the tears and sobbing.
“Liam take it easy, what is it”? I let go of him and looked straight into his hazel brown eyes.
“I’m so sorry that I couldn’t be strong for you and the boys”. I felt like crying but again I couldn’t find myself weak and cry, so I held it in.
“You’re always strong, remember that. Wanna join me to Zayns grave”? Liam let out a weak smile, but it was still a smile.
“Yea”. He wiped away the tears with the inside of his shirt.I could see that he had been crying, a lot. His eyes was so red and puffy it was hard to believe that that used to be the strongest person I knew.
We walked down the street in silence. Only some birds sang above us in the trees. Two girls came up to us as we stood at the flower shop.
“Could you please put this on Zayns grave sometime”. A ten year old girl gave me a small brown teddy with fluffy ears. “We loved him so much but we can’t even imagine how much you miss him”. The other girl gave Liam a hug, he hugged her back and smiled to her.
“He would be so happy if he knew how much you loved him”. They say good bye as I gained five blood red flowers.
We took the bus down to the church and walked from there.
“It’s so empty here”. Liam looked at the ground while we walked. I so wanted to cry, I knew that I would but not until we saw the grave. We turned the corner so we saw the gray stone. It looked so peaceful. There were some candles and flowers on it so I guessed that his family was there not long ago.
I sat down on my knees with Liam on my side. Liam rested the teddys back against the rock and I laid the flowers on the grave.
“Why aren’t crying in front of us”? Liam looked at me but my eyes stayed at the intricate texts that form the words Zayn Jawaad Malik.
“I don’t want you to think that I’m weak. I don’t want you to see how I break down everytime I’m alone”. I grabbed my arm as the tears started to break up in my eyes.
“You’re strong, but if you have to cry it’s okey”. With toes words I let all my feelings out. Every single of them. I buried my head in my hands and let the tears stream down my face. Suddenly I felt Liam holding me. I had missed his caring hugs when he rubber circles on my back at the same time whisper small and thin words into my ears. We just sat there. Crying and hugging each other. I knew that I wasn’t the only one taking this bad but now I knew who took it as bad as me.
“Can you do me a favor”? I looked straight into Liams eyes.
“Yea”.
“Can you follow me to the hospital in three days”? Liam hugged me and whispered.
“Of course”.
You’re gone and you’ll never come back. I’ll never see that perfect smile or hear your smooth voice. I couldn’t handle it, it was too much…
It's been 24 hours since you left us… since you left me.
I ran one hand through my blond hair. I sighed and stood up from the same chair that I’ve been sitting on for the last 24 hours. I didn’t want to leave the room where you where the last time I saw you.
Even if it was horrible to see what you became this last months of your life.
“You okej Ni?” Liam stood in the door looking at me.
“No, I’m not. I’ll never be okey again.” I walked past Liam and down the hospital hall. I just wanted to be home again. I didn’t want to be here.
Back in my apartment I locked myself inside and let out my tears. I didn’t want to cry in public but now I was alone and no one could see how I broke down.
“Why did you take him from me?” I was shouting, I didn’t really know to whom but I guess it was to God.
I fell into my sofa with all my clothes on and shoes. I was too tired of all crying that I didn’t care.
My tears didn’t stop as I expected so I cried myself to sleep.
Day 2:
I woke up in the sofa. I had been sleeping for 14 hours and I was still tired.
As I sat up I felt a headache comeing. “Oh god, I’ve not been drinking for days now” I thought to myself. I walked into the kitchen and saw a plate with some food on the bench. I wasn’t hungry so I walked by it without even looking at it. It was probably Liam who had made it for me so I felt a bit guilty but I didn’t care.
That day I didn’t do so much more than watch old clips from x-factor and every time you sang I fell back in tears.
Again I fell in the sofa with the tv playing “Tell me a lie” on repeat.
Day 3:
“Oh God Niall you have to get up”. Liam sat on the table in front of the sofa looking at me.
“I don’t want to”. I laid still hoping that he would go away.
“Ni you haven’t been eating anything for days and you smell like shit. What would Zayn say if he was here”? When Liam mentioned Zayn I was brought back to life.
Tears started to appear in my eyes as I sat up.
“I’m so sorry Niall”. Liam grabbed me and gave me a tight hug. I didn’t want to be there, I wanted to be with Zayn and no one else.
“I’m so sorry Ni, but you really have to get ready for Zayns funeral”. I whipped away my tears and stood up.
“Okey”. I walked into the bathroom just get a a huge chock when I looked at myself in the mirror.
“Oh God it that what I look like right now”. My eyes was so red and puffy it hurt. My hair stood in all different angles and so.
I took of my clothes and took a quick shower. It felt good to be clean again. I dressed with one of Zayns black shirts and my black jeans.
As I walked into Liams flat I didn’t care that the other guys looked at the shirt.
“Isn’t that Zayns”? Louis looked at me and I just gave him a slightly nod and sat down in the chain next to the window.
On the funeral I cried, I cried my heart out and I just hated to see Zayns pale face. He looked so clam even without his hair and emotionless face.
After half the funeral I had to leave, I couldn’t stand to say god bye to someone that I love so much. So I just left, without telling someone.
I walked around in the city, I didn’t care about some fans that was screaming my name.
One girl that I passed just gave me a hug and whispered that she was sorry. For some reason I felt kind of happy that she wasn’t like everyone else.
As I walked down the road the wind played with my blond messed up hair and soon I saw Seans home I started to ran. I knew that he wasn’t home but I had a spare key to his house and I didn’t want to see the other lads to see me.
Day 4:
I woke up with 26 missed calls and 94 texts. 90% of them was from Liam, 5% from Louis, 3% from Harry and 2% from Paul.
I didn’t want to see any of them today so I turned off my phone and went to see it I could find some other clothes. I was still wearing Zayn’s shirt after I changed.
Again I spend my day in front of the tv listening to old songs and watching old interviews.
Day 5:
I woke up when I heard knocks on the door. It was probably Liam, I didn’t want to see him but I got up and walked to the door. When I opened the door it wasn’t Liam, it was Louis. He looked destroyed with messed up clothes and his hair all over the place.
“Oh Ni”. He fell into my arms. We walked inside and I closed the door.
“Where the fuck have you been? We’ve been so worried about you”. Louis pulled away and looked at me.
“I’ve been here all the time”.
“Why haven’t you called back”? I let go of Louis and walked away.
“I didn’t want you to see me like this”. I stood by the window and looked on the leaves that flew through the air.
“Like that? Oh come on Niall what would Zayn say if he saw you-”.
“He’s not here, his dead and will never dome back”. I walked past Louis and out to the street. As Louis followed me I started to run. I ran away from him and from the truth.
“Niall”! Louis ran after me but since I was faster than him I was gone in seconds.
Day 6:
I’d been walking around all night. Sure I had an empty bottle of Whisky in my hand but still.
What would zayn say if he saw me now? I had to make up for him.
I walked to our apartments, I just hoped that nobody was home. To my surprise no one was, so I walked to my flat and opened the door. It was weird to be back but it was just for now.
I took a quick shower. I walked into Zayns room, I grabbed one of his hoodies and a pair of his brown chinos. I took my wallet and my shoes.
As I walked outside I knocked into Harry.
“Oh god Ni, where the fuck have you been”?
“Nowhere”. I walked past him and down the hall. I was quite happy that he didn’t follow me.
I walked down to the flower shop and bought a pair of roses.
It was a long walk to the graveyard but I didn’t want to take the buss.
By the time I came to Zayns grave it was dark. I hadn’t seen his grave before this but it was beautiful. Just like him. I sat down and laid the roses on the grave. I want to talk to you so badly, feel your touch next to my skin.
“Zayn if you can hear me I want you to know some stuff. I miss you, more then you can expect. I know that I should be with the boys and help them but I can’t. Every time I see them without you in the middle I’ll fall to tears. I know that I’m weak and that I should be stronger but I can’t… I need you”. I started to sing “Your Guardian Angel”, in the middle of the song I could hear your sweet, sweet voice.
I fell asleep next to your gravestone, next to you.
Day 7:
I woke up when I felt a hand on my shoulder but I was too cold and to tired to open my eyes so they stayed closed.
“Pick him up and take him to the car”. I guessed it was Paul who lifted me up. I remembered the smell of him, the feeling of security fell over me.
Day 8:
I woke up again in my room. It was 5.27 am, so I wasn’t really for going up but I had been sleeping the whole day.
I got up and looked at myself in the mirror. I was really pale and skinny, I haven’t had a real meal for a week now. Gosh I looked disgusting.
In the kitchen someone had made me some food. I could guess it was Paul sense it was pancakes.
Later on that day the guys knocked at my door but I didn’t open it sense I was laying on the floor passed out. If they open the door they would see that I didn’t even poked the food.
Day 9:
This time I woke up in a hospital room. Or I thought so at least. The only thing that was in the room was a bed, a table, a chair and my green bag. There was also a mirror so I stood up and looked at the pale, skinny, disgusting boy in the mirror.
“Is that really me”?
“Yea”. I turned around ans saw Liam in the doorway.
“Where am I”?
“McGricks hospital for psychic kids”. Liam look was at the ground with a sad face.
“Why am I here? I’m fine”.
“Fine?! You haven’t eaten sense Zayn died, you’re drinking at night and God knows where you disappeared to”. Liam watched me as a tear escaped his eye.
“I’m sorry that I don’t want to do anything. I’ve lost Zayn, one of the few that really loved me. I love him”! I felt the anger grow inside of me. How could they put me here? Sure I had it tough, but didn’t all of us have it?
I went straight up to Liam and started to hit him.
“I don’t want to be here, I’m fine, I shouldn’t be here”. Liam didn’t move, he just stood there waiting for me to give up. Sense I’ve not been eating for days it didn’t take long before I was all tired. Then he reached for me and gave me a hug. He didn’t say a thing he just stood there and holding me tight.
“Just give it a try, okey”? I didn’t say yes but he took my silence as a yes.
The rest of the day I met a lot of people who asked me a lot of stuff. I didn’t answer to them all I did was looking out the windows.
That evening I was crying more than ever. I felt more alone than ever. I cried myself to sleep again.
Day 10:
“Where the fuck am I, let me out”! I stood by the door and knocked with all my strength.
Suddenly the door open and I could walk out. First I just looked down the hall and then the other side. It was standing someone there down the hall. It was:
“Zayn”! I ran, I ran so fast I could but he never came closer. Then he stood right in front of me.
He didn’t have any eyes and he looked like he was murdered.
“Niall”! He screamed, it was empty and it felt like knifes.
I backed off but I couldn’t run away.
“Please don’t kill me”. I screamed.
I flew out of my bed.
“Oh god it was just a dream”. I sighed out as I felt the sweat running down my forehead. I felt the tears run down my face.
Day 11:
Today I’ve not been able to sleep for a second after the dream I had yesterday.
I’ve got some friends how ever. Alexis who’s here for her anorexia and Kenneth who’s here for self-harm. Both of them have been here for more than half a year.
Now was it lunch but I really didn’t want to eat. I didn’t want to be here but I had given my word to Liam that I would get better so I ate some bread.
That night I couldn’t sleep. The thought of Zayn saying my name like that was killing me. Did Zayn want to kill me?
“No, he wouldn’t… Or would he”? I sat up up all night and sang. I sang for me but most of all to Zayn.
Day 17:
Days have passed and each day has looked the same.
Wake up, eat something, talking to Alexis and Kenneth, go to the therapist, eat lunch, go to another therapist about my dreams, eat dinner, be with Alexis while Kenneth’s at his therapist, the other way around, go to my room, sleep for one or two hours and so on.
I wish that it could change or something. I wish that I could go back to the graveyard to see Zayn. I miss him so much, it’s like a hole inside of me and no one will be able to help me.
“But truth is that this is kind of helping, I look more like a human and I don’t cry that much anymore. Does that mean that I’m forgetting about Zayn”? I started to panicking and sat up from the therapist bed. “Oh god, I’m forgetting Zayn”.
“Take it easy Niall”. The therapist stood up and walked to me.
“I’m forgetting Zayn, how can I take it easy”.
“I said take it easy”! A sudden pain hit me right on my left cheek. I raised my hand to my cheek and a tear fell down from my eye. “I told you to take it easy”. He left me in the room and my tears fell down.
Day 19:
I’ve been here for ten days now. Today I’ll be released for a week and then come back to see how I feel.
I said goodbye to Alexis and Kenneth before I sat down in the yellow cab with my bag. It felt good to leave this place. My nightmares had stop a while ago but my therapist was still hitting me whenever I didn’t want to calm down.
I couldn’t wait to see the other lads but first thing first.
“Pull over here”. I said to the driver who pulled over and stopped the cab. “Please wait here it’ll just take a second”. He nodded as I closed the door and walked over the graveyard.
I walked over to Zayns grave and sat down.
“Oh god, haven’t the guys fix this”? The grave was nearly overgrown with stuff. I fixed it in seconds. While I tried to light the candle I heard someone behind me.
“Niall”? I turned around and looker right into Harrys green eyes.
“Hello Harry”. I stood up and gave the taller boy a hug.
“I’ve missed you, how are you”? He hugged me back and smiled.
“I’m fine, much better than before, I’ve missed you to. And the other guys”. We stood there for a while. I’d missed his smell, the warm feeling you got from him.
Tears filled my eyes and I let go.
“I hate this, I hate that his gone. I can’t handle it even if I’ve been to a therapist”. Harry just hushed me and hugged me again, this time tighter than ever. “We all miss him”. He whispered in my ear with a low voice.
We walked back to my cab, we hugged a last time before Harry walked away to his car and I sat down in my cab.
Back at our apartment I sat down my bag and walked into my flat. It felt weird to be back here again. I wiped away a tear that fell down from my eye. I sighted and lifted up my bag from the floor and closed the door. As fast as I lock my door I slided down with my back to the door and fell in tears. I was able to cry without anyone see it or hit me. I didn’t want them to see how I looked now, I wanted to see them don’t get me wrong but it was hard to stand up or even breath. So I still and cried myself to sleep again. It felt good to be able to cry again.
Day 20:
I woke up and sat straight up.
“Oh god what time is it”? I ran into the living room and saw that the clock showed 04.17 am. “Not more? You’re kidding me”. I sighted and walked into my bedroom. I couldn’t find myself to sleep again so I took a quick shower. After the shower I found myself sitting in Zayns room watching old pictures with nothing else on me than my towel easily tied around my waist.
I picked up one of Zayns t-shirts from the wardrobe and pair of his chinos.
05.00 am.
As I walked into the kitchen for something to eat I found nothing. Of coures, I hadn’t been home for days and either had Zayn. The thought of Zayn made me cry, not much but still enough for me to start shiver. I fell asleep in Zayns bed holding his pillow to my nose just so I could breath in his smell. I could swear that I heard his voice before I fell asleep.
“Niall”? Louis sat on the edge of the bed and shook me.
“What”? Truth was that I didn’t want to go up, I wanted to sleep, because in my dreams were the only place for me to be free and to see Zayn.
“You know you’re sleeping in Zayns bed”? I flew up and pushed me against the wall so much I could.
“Heeey. You okey Ni”? Louis reached out for me but I froze of the connection.
“Oh god Louis, I fell asleep in Zayns bed. He’ll kill me”. My eyes were in shock but after Louis had gave me a hug it felt okey.
“It’s okey and Zayn wont kill you for you sleeping in his bed. Truth is, how much time did he spend there and not in yours”? My face turned into a deep red colour.
That day I spend with Louis just catching up and goofing around. I was really happy to see his smile again. It made me feel so happy but it could never fill the hole in my heart.
I fell asleep in Zayns bed that night. Just before I fell asleep I could feel a worm touch and a small whisper, it only said my name. And I knew that Zayn would take care of me.
Day 21:
The next day I visited Harrys flat.
“Are you home Hazza”? I open the door and walked inside. I found Harry asleep in his sofa with the tv on. It was the interview when we got together as a band, as One Direction. I turned the tv off and walked over to Harry.
I lifted him and walked into his bedroom. I took of his jacket and his shoes before I laid him down.
As I started to walk to the door I heard a sleepy voice behind me.
“Niall please don’t leave me, I don’t want to be alone”. Harry stood in the doorway to his room. He looked so destroyed with his messed up hair and red nose and those puffy brown eyes. In just three steps I stood in front of him, holding him into a tight hug. I could feel how he started to shiver and my shoulder began to feel a bit wet from all the tears.
“I miss him so much. I can’t stand it anymore”.
“Me ether”. I couldn’t find myself to cry in front of the younger boy. Even if it killed me I was older and I had to be strong. Rest of the day we tried to be strong, we watched old x-factor clips and the old video diary's. It was so fun to see Harry again. It had been so long but it killed me to know how sad he was.
Day 22:
Today I was suppose to see Liam but I just had to see Zayn before. I hadn’t cried for two days now and it felt really good. I took a quick shower, I stood in front of the mirror for a long time. My hair was had grown out and was brown instead of blond. So I took a pair om light brown chinos and i white t-shirt, I also grabber one of Zayns jackets. It still had Zayns smell over it, I could feel my eyes tear up, the sweet smell of Zayn brought me back to tears.
I heard someone knocking at the door so I wiped away the tears and hoped that the person didn’t see the redness in my eyes.
“Yea”? I open the door and Liam flew into my arms.
“I’m so sorry”. His voice was thick of all the tears and sobbing.
“Liam take it easy, what is it”? I let go of him and looked straight into his hazel brown eyes.
“I’m so sorry that I couldn’t be strong for you and the boys”. I felt like crying but again I couldn’t find myself weak and cry, so I held it in.
“You’re always strong, remember that. Wanna join me to Zayns grave”? Liam let out a weak smile, but it was still a smile.
“Yea”. He wiped away the tears with the inside of his shirt.I could see that he had been crying, a lot. His eyes was so red and puffy it was hard to believe that that used to be the strongest person I knew.
We walked down the street in silence. Only some birds sang above us in the trees. Two girls came up to us as we stood at the flower shop.
“Could you please put this on Zayns grave sometime”. A ten year old girl gave me a small brown teddy with fluffy ears. “We loved him so much but we can’t even imagine how much you miss him”. The other girl gave Liam a hug, he hugged her back and smiled to her.
“He would be so happy if he knew how much you loved him”. They say good bye as I gained five blood red flowers.
We took the bus down to the church and walked from there.
“It’s so empty here”. Liam looked at the ground while we walked. I so wanted to cry, I knew that I would but not until we saw the grave. We turned the corner so we saw the gray stone. It looked so peaceful. There were some candles and flowers on it so I guessed that his family was there not long ago.
I sat down on my knees with Liam on my side. Liam rested the teddys back against the rock and I laid the flowers on the grave.
“Why aren’t crying in front of us”? Liam looked at me but my eyes stayed at the intricate texts that form the words Zayn Jawaad Malik.
“I don’t want you to think that I’m weak. I don’t want you to see how I break down everytime I’m alone”. I grabbed my arm as the tears started to break up in my eyes.
“You’re strong, but if you have to cry it’s okey”. With toes words I let all my feelings out. Every single of them. I buried my head in my hands and let the tears stream down my face. Suddenly I felt Liam holding me. I had missed his caring hugs when he rubber circles on my back at the same time whisper small and thin words into my ears. We just sat there. Crying and hugging each other. I knew that I wasn’t the only one taking this bad but now I knew who took it as bad as me.
“Can you do me a favor”? I looked straight into Liams eyes.
“Yea”.
“Can you follow me to the hospital in three days”? Liam hugged me and whispered.
“Of course”.
